To Come Out or Not to Come Out?

That is the question.

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer, The slings and arrows of outrageous homophobia. (couldn’t resist!)

The phrase “coming out” is widely associated with gays and lesbians (or anyone in the LGBTQ+ community) coming out about their sexuality. However, the history of this phrase has a different meaning.

“Coming out” did not mean coming out of hiding to society as a whole. It was used at gay debutante balls where it meant you revealed your sexual orientation in the gay community but it was still a secret. They used different hairstyles and props to help them be recognized by other gay men in the community without being obvious to others.

The closet metaphor is rooted from an old idiom “having a skeleton in the closet.” This meant that someone had a secret they were ashamed of and didn’t want others knowing. So, when people would come out as gay, they would be coming out of that closet with their so-called skeletons.

The closet of fabulous!

Now that we are done with this mini history lesson, let’s talk about what it means to come out of the closet. “A closet nothing more than a hard conversation” as noted by Ash Beckham, and that closet can be anything that is holding you back. I will be talking about what it means to come out as gay (when I say gay I am referring to the LGBTQ+ community as a whole).

One myth of coming out is that when you come out as gay it is a one and done deal. Wrong! First of all, coming out is not an event, it is a process that takes time. You go through different phases of “coming out” and you may even come out multiple times which is perfectly fine and normal!

Why does it take so long for some people to come out? I’m glad you asked! Remember the blog I wrote “It Takes Three Times” (if you haven’t read it yet, now would be a great time to do so!) and how it explains that it takes us three times to learn something? If you don’t remember, here is quick overview:

• First, we must learn it intellectually in our brains (the “oh crap, I think I’m gay” realization)
• Second, we learn it emotionally in our hearts (being proud of yourself, telling others, and living your life the way you should be)
• Lastly, we learn it instinctually in your guts and subconscious (it is no longer a big deal, you feel natural and are finally happy with who you are)

Sounds simple enough, right? Sorry, but you are wrong again. Going through each of these phases can take years. It is a continuous process that varies for everyone. There is no one wrong or right way to do it either. However, there are a few guidelines to follow before you “come out” that Juno Dawson put together in their book, “This Book Is Gay”. They are as followed:

1. Pick your time. YOU get to decide when you want to come out. You can be spontaneous about it or pick a specific time. If you do not feel comfortable yet, then don’t force yourself (or your friend) to come out until you are ready. It is usually best to do it in a one-on-one conversation, preferably not over the phone (that did not go over well for me).
2. Pick a venue. Depending on how you think your family or friends will perceive this information will help you decide where to tell them. It is best to tell them at home or in a quiet establishment that serves coffee or tea. You should also have a place to go afterwards to allow them time to process or be a safe place for you if things go wrong, which brings us to the next point.
3. Is it safe? All joking aside, if you live in a country where it is illegal and punishable by death to be gay, please don’t come out! Get a passport instead! The same goes if your parents have expressed strong homophobic comments or actions in the past. You definitely should have a safe place to go afterwards or have a support group in case things go wrong.

I wish I would have read these guidelines before I came out the first time. I did it all “wrong” (there is no right or wrong way) which only made my first time coming out worse than it had to be.

I told my mom over the phone because I just finished watching a movie on someone coming out and having good feedback. I also was in a different state, still dependent on her, and did I mention they were very religious and homophobic. Needless to say, I went home to “Bible boot camp”, had to take a year off of school (my girlfriend would be graduated and “gone” by then, ha!), and my phone got used to make nasty phone calls, texts, and emails to anyone who was supportive of me or was gay themselves. I recently found out this last bit because my friends saved the messages that “I” (my phone aka mother) sent to them that were erased from my phone when I got it back.

Not trying to be a Debby downer or scare anyone further into the closet but I am just giving you a glimpse into my experience coming out the first time. I have had many positive experiences in coming out to other people, family, and friends. Those experiences happened later in my life when I became okay with who I was.

Here is a video I made to help lighten the mood!

The first time I came out I was only in phase one of the process. I (finally) came to the realization that I was gay but my heart was not prepared for the struggles that would lie ahead. I thought if I jumped the gun I would get to phase three quicker, but this ended up making my process slower and much more painful.

I have come out to my family multiple times now. They are still not supportive, which is why I have to remind them that no I am not changing and am still a lesbian (face palm). It has at least started to evolve to ignoring the elephant in the room and sticking with civil topics of conversation. Their main concern now is my soul and faith and have literally tried to “pray the gay away”, and as you can see it did not work and was very awkward to say the least.

I am still a very religious person and my faith has grown substantially stronger since realizing I was gay. I was in a very dark place for a while due to people using the Bible and God against me, which I believed for a good while. Not until I dug deeper and REALLY looked into the Bible and what God’s word truly meant (we will cover this in a Debunking series) was I able to move into phase two, allowing my heart to be okay with who I was. And dang, is it ever so liberating!

I mean Lesbi-honest here, this is a great scene!

My transition of “coming out” is not completely through yet, but I can tell you I’m pretty darn close! I am not going to wake up one day and say, “yep, today I am going to be completely out of the closet!”

It is a back and forth process where you have good days and bad days because that is how life works. It is okay to have bad days as long as the good days outnumber the bad. Just remember to always love yourself and love others.